Wizard Seeking Apprentice

So, I'm like 26 or 27 or something like that. But my maturity level is probably stuck somewhere in the 15 or 16 year old range. I've long since accepted it. So when a night of almost playing racquetball and chowing down some Indian-not the rain catcher kind, but the slumdog millionaire kind-food with the guys was coming to an end, we realized something. We hadn't actually done anything that would give us a good eye rolling from our wives. And what's the point of leaving the wives at home if you don't cause a little mischief or something? The answer is no point.

So we sat in the car in the parking lot and tried to come up with something that would fulfill the one requirement of a successful guys night. The minutes passed, and Jodran* decided that he needed to leave. That one decision changed the course of his life forever. Little did he know that from that moment he would become a powerful wizard!

Huh?

My other friend Brain* came up with a plan of immaculate conception. There is a really effective marketing campaign going on right now at virtually every freeway exit in Utah right now. Apparently there are quite a few wealthy investors around looking for apprentices (is that pronounced aprentice-es or apprentice-ease?). And they put these really good homemade signs up to advertise this fact. Brain's plan was to create a sign or two for a wizard seeking an apprentice.

You may be thinking that's weird and kind of lame. And I admit, it kind of is. But if you refer to my opening statement it fits my mentality. However, there's no point in putting in the minutes of effort required to execute a plan of this caliber unless there is some way of tracking the results. To solve that problem I decided that we needed to put down somebody's phone number that we knew, so that we may hear through the grapevine or, optimally, straight from the horses mouth the effectiveness of our sign(s). So we decided what better number to put than our good friend Jodran's.

Now thanks to the marvels of modern technology, I now know that after 8 phone calls and the removal of the sign, Jodran has received 3 more. One of which he claims was legit.

That was the highlight of my life the other day.

Huh.

*names have been changed to protect privacy. Phone numbers haven't but apparently he has filled the opening.

Weird.

P.S. You are correct, that is an owl in a wizard cap. 
P.P.S. I do take commisioned projects.

anyone up for a friendly game of buzkashi?

My wife has taught me a lot about sports. That's weird. Yeah, I know. But a lot of it has been really helpful, and saved me from a lot of awkward social situations. For instance: Qudditch isn't the British term for soccer. Birdman is just a basketball player with a lot if tattoos, and not a super hero. All people who wear jerseys are not professional sports athletes even if the jersey looks professional. March madness is actually a college basketball competition and the superbowl happens every year.

For the most part I'm completely OK being oblivious to the sporting world, but sometimes my wife isn't around to bail me out of a sports conversation. In order to prepare for these situations I've tried to follow some of the popular teams and games, but that didn't work. It was just too time consuming. So I decided that if I could learn a lot about one sport that no one really knew much about, I could use that to vouch for my hetero-maleness and excuse my obliviousness to popular sports.

So I did some research and found the perfect activity: Buzkashi.

What is buzkashi? Well from my understanding its a cross between football, polo, and hell.

Huh?

Buzkashi is a middle eastern sport where groups of men ride horses around and fight for possession of a headless calf. A goat was used previously, until it was found that a calf's hide was much more durable and would last quite a bit longer. The object of the game is to gain possession of the carcass and carry it away from the other players, known as chapandaz, to a ring in the center of the field called the circle of justice. That is how you win. There are two main rules: 1. Never whip an opponent 2. Never intentionally knock an opponent off his horse.

the cow is the football, the horse is the polo

This is the hell

Yeah weird.

Shampoo

So the other day I took a shower. And by doing so, I came to a not so subtle and quite unsettling realization: If I don't do something to get my hair under control, it may take over.

You are probably thinking: That's weird.

My Response would be: Yeah it is. Think about it.

When I was a child, I was practically hairless. I had a buzz cut and that was about the extent of my hair accumulation. But slowly over time without me really noticing or giving it much thought it had begun to increase its domain. Until one day when I took off my shirt and much to my surprise I was being attacked by a badger!

Well as luck turned out it wasn't really a badger; just a bunch of hair.

So here I am mid twenties covered in hair.

You are probably thinking: That's not really that unusual. There are a ton of guys who have a hairy chest. If you were in your twenties in the mid eighties that may have even worked to your advantage when trying to attract the opposite sex.

My Response: Yeah, maybe, but have you ever looked at shampoo bottles or any other hair product containers?

The reason I ask this is: That other day when I was showering, I poured the recommended amount of grapeseed extract and pomegranate shampoo into the palm of my hand. Before I could be sucked into the "herbal escape" the bottle alluded to, I noticed something quite unnerving.

I will answer before you can ask: No, it was not the kind of creepy old man looking in the window. It was the word "strengthening" written so boldly, yet so subtly right in the middle of the bottle hidden between dreams of an herbal escape and purifying goodness of grapeseeds and pomegranates.

I began to realize at that moment, I could potentially be putting myself in more danger than I ever have before. I started looking at the other bottles in the shower. Body, Volume, Sexy, Multivitamin, Anti-Breakage, and the list continues.

I created a monster!

My whole life I had been feeding this patch of fuzz on my scalp with all the ingredients it need to grow and become more powerful than me.  It had been slowly building up its forces over an extended period of time just waiting for the day that I make the mistake and use "animating" shampoo, or some other invigorating type of hair product.

So just a warning to you out there: If you ever see me and I am strong, sexy, full of body and volume; beware, it's not me. It's my hair.

huh?
weird.